Youth

Been thinking of shifting out for some time. Rent a room, be at peace with myself. Cooking my own meals quietly and just living myself. It’ll make me happier I’m sure: Just gotta find the right time to go.

I cannot.

How can times can one fall and tumble then get back up? There’s only so much one can take in.

Changes. Positive changes in a long while. Weight. Slowly losing but I am okay. I am not starving nor am I tattered. I am gradually getting there. Career Adapting to 12-hour morning/night shift Overall Crazy busy, but wow, contented.

I’ve been having issues with my weight since maybe around 12? At 12, my routine was using my bus card to buy McDonalds. At 13, I entered a mixed school and was teased for being fat. At 14, I still didn’t understand why I was being teased for being fat. At 15, I wanted to be skinny too and started to run. At 16, I was having so much insecurities I caved in but was average. At 17, I was one of the fatter ones in my CCA squash and had a hard time during training. At 18, I had the desire to be skinny, really skinny. At 19, I was skinnier and wanted to go down the scale some more.   At 20, I was skinny, trained like mad and just traced my bones to sleep each night. At 21, I gained so much weight I cried about my weight bitterly so many times. At 22, I was in a constant weight battle from the high to the low on the scales. Now, I’m just a broken mess of numbers. I’ve defined myself by numbers. And it won’t go away. But oh wells. It’ll pass.

My mind has been wondering a lot lately. Little thoughts have made their way to become ambitions. I am a person who does not enjoy putting in effort in most things. However, if I put my effort for something, I won't stop. That's how it's been lately. I've been putting in a lot of effort. The days are becoming shorter and the night gets longer. Am I being greedy for wanting more? Yes. You are no longer enough. You can't make me smile anymore. You start hurting my progress and you're like poison now. You can't be my antidote no more. You have been my greatest regret and it's been damn bitter. You and I had caused so much damage so let's stop this craze. My greatest enemy. It has returned with a menacing smile. Hoping for another relapse like it always have been. Numbers on the scale, the pinch of flesh and the name calling. My demons have started to come out to play. The struggle started in 2011 and it has been 7 years now. The h...

I am constantly in a flurry these days. My emotions are in a turmoil. I am not sure of a lot of things. Somehow, I feel so secure. Like maybe things would work out. Maybe I will make through the year just fine. ♥

I started 2017 fueled with passion. Starting  2018 with nothing. Absolutely nothing.

In a short span of time, the emotions I've tried to suppres thus far crashes like menacing waves. How many time have I landed myself into this? Too many times. Every time I convince myself I'll get back up from it. This time will be one of them. How much more will I drown down? A lot more. I think emotions are disturbing. They push and pull with my physical being. I feel battered and bruised from it all. Through the odds, I'll still make it. Whole or in pieces.

In a world full of chaos, there is a lot to be grateful for. Never forget that. ♥With Love

In your darkest moments, the little spark from within would shine brighter than ever before.

Tmr marks the start of my fourth trip of the year. Why travel again? It's the heart that yearns for places. For freedom and a peace of mind. I need to think so hard about my future now.  But I don't think it's the time yet. I've been planning the 'Myself Trip' for sometime now. Whether it would materialize, only time will tell.

Why does my mind always wonder there. The place I want to erase so damn badly. This so fucked up. I think closures are important but seriously, screw that. The memories just play in my mind. Like a damn movie that won't gets rewind time and again. I hate this. I just want to race back to a time I was alone. That solidarity was so very peaceful. It didn't matter that I was going though the pains. I rather that than this. I don't understand myself anymore. This is so confusing. As long as there's tomorrow for me, I should count my blessings. I can do this. ♥With Love P.S, my wardrobe is too filled with black, grey and white. I'm turning seriously morbid and cold.

Hidden There are times I question my sanity and my integrity as a human. I wonder how I got to where I am today. Am I doing okay? Am I happy? Then I just stop and stare at the world go round. I was always told when I get hurt to get back up. How many times exactly does it take for one to hurt until there is no u-turn? Solidarity is a scary thing they say. I stand alone. I am alone but am I lonely? I am not. Why do I need to conform to the standards of society? How much do I need to starve in order to look at myself okay? What more does the society expects of me? Whitewash myself to be pretty? Why is it that I am only pretty when I'm not me. The mind goes into a whirlpool of emotions and I'm not sure if I'm losing it sometimes. I'm stronger than yesterday so this must be growth. This must be the maturity I am told I will receive when I grow up. But I'm not ready to be a grown up. I may earn my own money, make my own decisions and start to adapt to my own indepe...

Bad Times:( 1) Zedd - Clarity ft Foxes "If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity." 2) Escape the Fate - My Apocalypse "I need an earthquake, to shake this pity off the ground." 3) Agust D - The Last "Sometimes I'm afraid of myself too, from the self-disgust and depression coming to play again." Better Times:) 1) Beyoncé - I Was Here "The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave." 2) Paramore - Last Hope "It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore." 3) BTS  (방탄소년단) - Epilogue: young forever "Even when I fall and hurt myself, I keep running towards my dream." Notes:3 The first musician I had fallen in love with was a Malaysian artist called Ella. I remember listening to her while I was on a road trip. Her voice was just mesmerizing and as a kid, I did not quite catch the lyrics thus I must have loved he...

Travel What is my favorite part of being able to travel? It would be the freedom. The freedom to enable my mind to roam as far as it wills and my legs to walk as far and much as it wants to. It's that exhilarating feeling when I get lost and start falling in love with the idea of exploring while I'm lost. Plans are meant to be laid out but no one ever said you had to follow them. I enjoy the thrill of meeting people and then finding places that may enthrall me. I don't believe in fear. Fear is when you have something to lose but I don't. My only fear now is God. I am at peace with everything else. If I lose something, there is always something else to gain from it. Life isn't so complicated. Nor is traveling. You just need a bit of courage, friendliness and obviously some common human instinct. If you fear the unknown, stay at home or follow a tour. Traveling isn't for you yet. Not everyone is prepared to leave their comfort zone. I wasn't once u...

8 Oct 2016 The feeling of excitement as Kathleen was teaching me Mandarin was evident. Linzy had just booked our flight (MAS) to Osaka and our lodging at Namba Oriental Hotel was settled soon after. This impromptu was really going to take off, who knew eh? 30 Oct 2016 I was just bursting with exhilaration at this point of time. Our flight to KL for the transit was really bumpy but we met a Singaporean working at Mediacorp heading for his holiday in Tokyo and we had a lovely chat with the chap. We arrived late because of the terrible wet weather and lucky us, our plane to Japan was just next to the plane we landed from! YAY! Linzy tried blowing up her portable pillow that she bought from Muji but her attempt was a really funny one as the air kept escaping. Regardless, it was blown and we were ready for Osaka! 31 Oct 2016 The scenery from the airplane window as the sun was rising. Simply gorgeous. We had to walk to a group of Indonesian ladies who were ...

Title: Bliss. Early in 2016, my grandma passed away. It was the turning point of my whole entire life. Everything came crashing down like hurricane just crashed havoc in my little comfort zone. I felt as though the bad things were never going to stop and I'm going to be buried into the sinkhole. It's painful to know that you only know what you've got when it's gone. This hurricane though, it brought destruction, chaos but at the end of it all, it brought more good than bad. Ironic right? How can a destroyer become the savior? For that, I believe God's challenges for me is great but He knows best. The first thing I ever did was to let go of the person I was holding on so tightly to at the end of 2016. He was the person I loved and thought I could never replace. At present, I am convinced that I loved him for all the wrong reasons and I was tearing myself apart more than putting myself back together by holding onto the baggages of just memories. Th...

Minced my thoughts into pieces and bleed emptiness.

Hello. Times have changed and I'm going through the waves of sleepless nights and a string of painful memories. For all the times I thought he would stay, he left. I am left with a gaping hole in my heart and it stings. ♥Trying to be okay.