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Constant Struggle

I’ve been having issues with my weight since maybe around 12? At 12, my routine was using my bus card to buy McDonalds. At 13, I entered a mixed school and was teased for being fat. At 14, I still didn’t understand why I was being teased for being fat. At 15, I wanted to be skinny too and started to run. At 16, I was having so much insecurities I caved in but was average. At 17, I was one of the fatter ones in my CCA squash and had a hard time during training. At 18, I had the desire to be skinny, really skinny. At 19, I was skinnier and wanted to go down the scale some more.   At 20, I was skinny, trained like mad and just traced my bones to sleep each night. At 21, I gained so much weight I cried about my weight bitterly so many times. At 22, I was in a constant weight battle from the high to the low on the scales. Now, I’m just a broken mess of numbers. I’ve defined myself by numbers. And it won’t go away. But oh wells. It’ll pass.
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Closure

My mind has been wondering a lot lately. Little thoughts have made their way to become ambitions. I am a person who does not enjoy putting in effort in most things. However, if I put my effort for something, I won't stop. That's how it's been lately. I've been putting in a lot of effort. The days are becoming shorter and the night gets longer. Am I being greedy for wanting more? Yes. You are no longer enough. You can't make me smile anymore. You start hurting my progress and you're like poison now. You can't be my antidote no more. You have been my greatest regret and it's been damn bitter. You and I had caused so much damage so let's stop this craze. My greatest enemy. It has returned with a menacing smile. Hoping for another relapse like it always have been. Numbers on the scale, the pinch of flesh and the name calling. My demons have started to come out to play. The struggle started in 2011 and it has been 7 years now. The h...
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Deafening Silence

It’s 2020 and I’m back here again. It’s been a journey. The highs were undeniably amazing. Solo tripping around Berlin, Germany. Something I can only dream of but eventually did. And going on a road trip with a friend I’m not even that close with. Wow. And then there’s the boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months now. Hmm... I guess I’m just really tired. I’m not sure why relationships are so vibe consuming. It’s like being given a warning and still going ahead with it. Sigh.
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