I
Im disappearing.
How
I cannot.
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Constant Struggle
I’ve been having issues with my weight since maybe around 12? At 12, my routine was using my bus card to buy McDonalds. At 13, I entered a mixed school and was teased for being fat. At 14, I still didn’t understand why I was being teased for being fat. At 15, I wanted to be skinny too and started to run. At 16, I was having so much insecurities I caved in but was average. At 17, I was one of the fatter ones in my CCA squash and had a hard time during training. At 18, I had the desire to be skinny, really skinny. At 19, I was skinnier and wanted to go down the scale some more. At 20, I was skinny, trained like mad and just traced my bones to sleep each night. At 21, I gained so much weight I cried about my weight bitterly so many times. At 22, I was in a constant weight battle from the high to the low on the scales. Now, I’m just a broken mess of numbers. I’ve defined myself by numbers. And it won’t go away. But oh wells. It’ll pass.
When it falls.
There are words that I have left behind. A past that I never want to retell. Lies that I feel guilty of. Tears that I am supressing inside. Longing that I've been feeling for too long. ... Is this pain I feel? My whole future is blinded by it. People around me play deaf with me. I can't stop feeling fu.king sad. I feel like I'm being dragged down with force. So much force. I'm surrounded but why? Why do I feel so lonely inside? Becos I'm invinsible. Becos I'm still empty. Becos I'm being hated. Becos I'm being misunderstood. Becos I'm almost (almost) dead anyway. ... Hear me out humans! Tell me that I'm here! I hurt too. JUST LIKE YOU. Stop ignoring me! I don't want your attention. I JUST WANT TO STOP BEING PUT DOWN ALL THE TIME DAMMIT! You bitch. I want to get back at you. But I won't becos I can't. Cos I'm torned right now. ♥i'm breaking soon. p.s. Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked t...
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