Youth

When I see myself in the mirror, I see a liar. I see a person that doesn't care about herself anymore. And worst of all, I see a person that doesn't belong. I label myself by believing what others say about me. It's not that Im weak, becos I know I am. But it's becos I'd rather be weak then hurting. ♥With Love

I went out with my bestfriend, Ad. It may sound all boring but I realise how much we've changed. She's changing for the better while Im still figuring out what to do with life. Heh. We had a great job, an awesome boss and one heck of a bunch. We may have sailed further apart during the holidays but that never stopped us from being who we really are on this date. People may have considered us to be a pair of idiots running around in Orchard and letting our hair loose but isn't life for living? We had dinner at BBQ Chicken at night. Me, Ad, Khairina, Firdaus Macho, Azwan Mummy & Heikal. There we a lot to be learnt like how NOT to jinx the workers>.< I was saying that the sauce bottle would drop & break but end up all of them did>.< And how NOT to trip over the Christmas tree and look all flustered about it:) I guess going out with them helped me a little. Help me stop being so pessimistic all the time and help me to understand the true nature of human...

I used to think that I will be fine. That the day would be fine. I won't lie but I do act. I act really well. I can smile and be happy when all I really feel is apathy. It's different. I am different. No one sees it except me. I keep tripping on myself. I told you the half the truth cos the other half would hurt. It will hurt you then maybe you'll hurt me. If I had a choice, I would do a lot with these hands and these thoughts. Some days I want to quit, quit everything that i've ever tried. "No, I don't wanna be in love anymore. Cuz I don't wanna lose you These memories used to mean, Everything to me But I can't, No, I don't want to be in love anymore. I can't stop what I can't stop and I I don't want to be in love anymore." - Lets Get It - Maps lyrics So you don't understand what I'm writing right? Well, neither do I. I'm just trying to filter everything out of my brain. Get it out and scream it out if I could. But gues...

People. Humans. They are so fuxked up. Why are there so many people looking at me? What is my sin? I know what i did this year could land me in imh but please, dun do this to me. Im dying inside and i hate this feeling. I tried my best to hang on but once again, im falling apart. Take me away, just dun do this to me. I cant be alone. U know wats going to happen. Why? U know. This is mental pain. You KNOW i can cope with physical pain so wat do u want from me? I cant breathe becos u keep doing this to me. YOU'LL KILL ME ONE DAY. you're just waiting and i'm just trying im gonna gamble with life cos HOPE HAS LEFT ME.

Maybe Im not the perfect being but hey look, stop hurting us. Im not sure of your intentions but a black heart won't go far. Im sorry if I had crossed the line but you crossed mine first. WHY.MUST.YOU.DO.THIS.TO.ME? Do you know how much I hurt while you wrap everything so perfectly? Im not sure what im supposed to learn here. I thought the year would end with a bang but thanks to you, fuck it. I know I'll try to make it end with a bang. I WILL. I don;t want your syizzles to disturb MY YEAR 2011. Maybe you'll get what Im trying to say some day. But today, you've just ruined my day. ♥unsure of my reason for living.

I am super confused now. There are feelings mixed and people blended together. I think it's just wrong but my head says it's so right. It's hard to get by when there are two. One not available the other not caring enough. But I'm glad to know people care. My friends don't think I'm a bitch and I'm happy for it:D I guess Budak Times made my life totally different. I used to be this insecure girl but now I know how to let go:D Budak Times consists of: Azwan, Didien, Faris, Firdaus Cute, Firdaus Macho, Heikal, Hidayah, Khairina, Li Ling, May, Me, Natasha, Syafiqah, Radin, Tze Xin. *sorry if I missed out anyone>.< But love those guys and girls, they made my year 2011 super special:D ♥xoxo

OHMYGOOSE! It's so ironic how life makes an AWESOME TURN:D I WAS working at Times at Parkway for the warehouse sale:) I met a bunch of CRAZY people but they are AWESOME tooxD Syafiqah, Hidayah, Natasha, Li Ling, May, Marilyn, Tze Xin (aiya, we friends so long already...haha), Jun Hao, Kennard, Didien, Firdaus macho, Firdaus cute, Faris, Radin, Azwan & Heikal:D We all didn't know each other before this but that's fine. We all got along fine. WAIT. Better than fine, perfectly:D We all had our moments of frustration and sickness but we ALL got through itxD The jokes cracked and words like 'alright~' gets to us and we all start to bond magically. Our boss, Pappa Guna is also FREAKING awesome. He always look at things at our perspective. I'll NEVER regret working here no matter how tiring it is:D Working there had taught me that there is more to friends than just being friends. Being friends means being able to fill up the awkward moments and also bond in a way t...

Do you hear my heart beating? I think it's all rasped and painful. Words people used to makes me smile lingers and crushes me. I'm not angry, tired or engrossed but suffocated. Work doesn't help much either. All I know is that my emotions are on random. It's like on iPod and always stuck on shuffle. I think my brain has taken over. It chants words into my head which lead to destructive behaviour. People don't get me cos I've an everlasting charade acting out in their eyes. Would anyone accept me for who I really am? It's really not the fear that haunts me most. It's the hurt. ♥Lies that grabs at me.