Excuses

I used to think that I will be fine.
That the day would be fine.
I won't lie but I do act.
I act really well.
I can smile and be happy when all I really feel is apathy.
It's different.
I am different.
No one sees it except me.
I keep tripping on myself.
I told you the half the truth cos the other half would hurt.
It will hurt you then maybe you'll hurt me.
If I had a choice, I would do a lot with these hands and these thoughts.
Some days I want to quit, quit everything that i've ever tried.
"No, I don't wanna be in love anymore.
Cuz I don't wanna lose you
These memories used to mean,
Everything to me
But I can't,
No, I don't want to be in love anymore.
I can't stop what
I can't stop and I
I don't want to be in love anymore."
-Lets Get It - Maps lyrics
So you don't understand what I'm writing right?
Well, neither do I.
I'm just trying to filter everything out of my brain.
Get it out and scream it out if I could.
But guess what?
I can't.
Becos I've lost the courage to talk.
Im scared I'll just break down.
I want it all to stop.
STOP.
People say you have to try to get better.
I don't want to get better.
I don't deserve all this kindness.
I don't want anything anymore.
I don't want people to worry.
Its this guilt that kills me.
i hate what people say.
I hate listening to myself stating excuses after excuses.
Yes, I am insane.
SAY THAT TO MY FACE.
I beg you.

♥Im my own next victim